Hey guys,
It's been a really tough holiday for me.
I feel like this world is challenging my limits, and trying to find out how much I can take. I was shoved in my face many rejections and at the same time many opportunities that were supposedly beyond my league.
I am not someone who takes risk well. However, I always believed I was meant for bigger things. What I've been through these feel months showed me that maybe I have hit my limits and this is the most of me I will ever see. Which is upsetting, discouraging and pathetic. As a 19 year old, why should we go through so much? Why must this society filter us and rank us into positions we try so hard to ignore?
It feels like this world has abandoned me, and I think I have hit the lowest at this very moment that I'm typing this post.
I'm not a bright student, but I have my own wits and a willingness to learn. I may not be as good compared to my genius brother, but I was hardly a disappointment to my parents. I naturally give my best in whatever I do, and have never failed my own expectations. However, this holiday gave me the biggest disappointment in my 19 years of life.
What makes it worse is that I don't seem to feel like the people around me actually gets what I am going through. No absolutely one seems to see the severity of this entire issue in my life. I feel like I am going through all these by myself. And you ask me, why don't you voice it out? I would have voiced it out if I were younger and not sensible enough, but with my current maturity (not that I am matured enough), I feel like I shouldn't add on the load on my parents, and I should not waste time telling the people who have no idea what's going on about it because I will just bore them out and also make myself exhausted. So I bottle it all up, and here I am, feeling sickish, and depressed.
Thankfully, my Dad seems to see the dullness in my eyes, and decided to chat with me. He did not say much, but one line was all that I needed to unload much of the weight on my shoulder.
"What's important to Daddy is that you are doing something that you are interested and passionate in."
That's all I needed, Dad. That's all that I really ever needed. Thank you.
I understand that family is what will always be behind your back, lending you support. But I want to do them proud. I can't be the daughter who get straight As all the time, I can't be the daughter that's presented awards on stage, I can't be the daughter whose fame makes them smile, but at least I don't want to become a daughter who makes them doubt whether they had went wrong way in the journey of my upbringing.
Without knowing what to do now, I'm just praying and keeping my hopes alive. I'm not a religious person, but I feel that my current situation needs more strength than I can channel from myself.
I will be fine, I always do, eventually.
But this time I don't only want to be "fine", I want to be feeling "great".
XOXO,
Iris
It's been a really tough holiday for me.
I feel like this world is challenging my limits, and trying to find out how much I can take. I was shoved in my face many rejections and at the same time many opportunities that were supposedly beyond my league.
I am not someone who takes risk well. However, I always believed I was meant for bigger things. What I've been through these feel months showed me that maybe I have hit my limits and this is the most of me I will ever see. Which is upsetting, discouraging and pathetic. As a 19 year old, why should we go through so much? Why must this society filter us and rank us into positions we try so hard to ignore?
It feels like this world has abandoned me, and I think I have hit the lowest at this very moment that I'm typing this post.
I'm not a bright student, but I have my own wits and a willingness to learn. I may not be as good compared to my genius brother, but I was hardly a disappointment to my parents. I naturally give my best in whatever I do, and have never failed my own expectations. However, this holiday gave me the biggest disappointment in my 19 years of life.
What makes it worse is that I don't seem to feel like the people around me actually gets what I am going through. No absolutely one seems to see the severity of this entire issue in my life. I feel like I am going through all these by myself. And you ask me, why don't you voice it out? I would have voiced it out if I were younger and not sensible enough, but with my current maturity (not that I am matured enough), I feel like I shouldn't add on the load on my parents, and I should not waste time telling the people who have no idea what's going on about it because I will just bore them out and also make myself exhausted. So I bottle it all up, and here I am, feeling sickish, and depressed.
Thankfully, my Dad seems to see the dullness in my eyes, and decided to chat with me. He did not say much, but one line was all that I needed to unload much of the weight on my shoulder.
"What's important to Daddy is that you are doing something that you are interested and passionate in."
That's all I needed, Dad. That's all that I really ever needed. Thank you.
I understand that family is what will always be behind your back, lending you support. But I want to do them proud. I can't be the daughter who get straight As all the time, I can't be the daughter that's presented awards on stage, I can't be the daughter whose fame makes them smile, but at least I don't want to become a daughter who makes them doubt whether they had went wrong way in the journey of my upbringing.
Without knowing what to do now, I'm just praying and keeping my hopes alive. I'm not a religious person, but I feel that my current situation needs more strength than I can channel from myself.
I will be fine, I always do, eventually.
But this time I don't only want to be "fine", I want to be feeling "great".
XOXO,
Iris